I have been very rage filled this week – perhaps even disturbingly so. Every little thing has spent me spiralling into complete fits of fury and I’ve had to restrain myself from headbutting people all over the place. I’ve basically been She-Hulk only with less green and fewer law degrees and more lying on the floor and having tantrums like a child.
I think she might be my spirit animal. I also respect someone that chooses to rock a pair of cerise flares so there’s that too. (Art by John Busceme from issue #1 of Savage She-Hulk – stolen from wikipedia)
Honestly, I’m not actually sure where this seemingly untapped reservoir of anger has come from, but now it’s here, it’s apparently making itself comfortable in my psyche and woe betide those who cross me. (This is actually a very weak threat – because of the kind of person I am, the worst you can expect is some loud muttering with a lot of curse words and I might snub you for a few days. But still, I shall use some of my very best insults on you and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will be cutting).
I am trying to be a little bit better as the week drags on though. Monday I was truly vile and should probably apologise to all the people who were forced to be around me. I woke up in a rather stinking mood (yay for Mondays!) and proceeded to just really sink into it rather than trying to cheer up and by home time, I was practically vibrating with untapped indignation. Admittedly, there were quite a few things that popped up throughout the day in my job which did absolutely nothing to appease me and I did find myself having to walk away from a couple of people who clearly had no sense of the danger they were in.
There are occasions when I truly do wonder how I have ended up in the career I am in and if it really is the best fit (spoiler – it’s not), though usually I am able to reason away any problems. This week, every little thorny problem has just blown up though and I have been forced to vent my emotions to my poor desk buddy, who bless her heart has just taken it with a smile.
Monday night though, I was vile and poor TMM bore the brunt of my strop very maturely. He didn’t even judge me when, full of such pent up emotion, I burst into tears at the new David Attenborough documentary (Our Planet). Well, to be honest I imagine he probably did judge me, but only internally which I appreciate. By the time the episode was finished, I had broken my heart over a tiny flamingo chick that definitely died on a salt plain, hyenas vs. wildebeest calves (who am I supposed to want to win that fight?!) and what I thought was a sparkly bee about to be eaten by an orchid (thankfully it wasn’t, but by that point I was already awash with salty tears). By the time the whole rollar coaster was over, I had to take myself to bed to soothe my puffy eyes.
By the time Tuesday rolled around, I was hoping to have pulled myself out of the emotional quagmire, but instead found myself even more entrenched than I was before. I spent the whole car journey in the morning slagging everything off (my poor car buddy must have thought I was being a right loser) and I spent most of the day just angrily typing emails to people that, whilst on the surface were mostly polite, were underlined with thick currents of rage and f*ck you-edness. If it wasn’t for the fact I would 100% be fired for it, I would definitely have been writing some choice insults in white font at the bottom of all my emails.
By Tuesday night though, I think I had calmed significantly. The rage was still there, but it was seething gently in the background rather than boiling over the edges. TMM made me an absolutely smashing tea (grilled Caribbean spied chicken with avocado mush on stone baked olive ciabatta – no wonder we can’t afford a house with such extravagant millennial meals) and we watched Only Connect and got quite a few answers right like the absolute swots we are. Admittedly the anger resurfaced when I remembered at bedtime I had to put the laundry on the rack, but by that point I had nobody to blame but myself.
I have actually been quite surprised at the depth of my vengeful feelings this week though. Seemingly coming from nowhere, I have managed to hold out and cultivate the mood like a champion. I think knowing that has made me more annoyed with myself – instead of trying to be the bigger person and find a way of combating my tension, I have instead wallowed in it, like an angry pig in a puddle of fury-filled muck. There are plenty of habits I have developed over the years to in order to help me overcome such sulks but everyone of them involves me actually engaging with them in a positive manner and I think I may have been holding back a little. I have tried to benefit from them this week, honestly I have. I did my kickboxing cardio routine on Monday after work – it’s a great 25 minute video that makes me feel like an actual Olympian (I can 100% confirm I Do Not look like one) in which I envisioned punching many people, but even though it tired me out and made me very sweaty, it didn’t actually help my mood. (Endorphins and exercise highs are the things of myths and legends and anybody who says otherwise is lying). I can imagine running and the like does work for some people (though I do always find runner suspicious – what are they running from?) but unless it’s something that engages me mentally as well as physically, I just find myself getting hot and frustrated.
I have also been listening to my “Aggressive Cheeriness” playlist with intent – I am a firm believer in the healing power of music. It’s a cliche for a reason. Songs can have a massive impact on emotional well-being and I find my mood can often be completely changed by what I’m listening to. I know, for example, that if I need a good cry, there will be an REM song that will set me off. If I’m getting ready to go out, Sigala will 100% have my back, and when particularly angry, there are some excellent Velvet Revolver tunes that will support my rage. As such, I have made playlists on my phone which are based purely round the feelings they inspire or the thoughts associated with them, rather than the genre or artist. Whilst they haven’t succeeded in completely dragging me from my pique, I definitely think they’ve helped and I have enjoyed blasting away some “banging choons” at dangerous volume levels whilst furiously vacuuming or waiting for the bus.
Just a little snippet of some of my aptly named playlists. A possibly concerning number are named after TV characters or shows (sometimes despite not even appearing in said show – I work in mysterious ways)
At least now though, with the week nearly over, I can tentatively say I am calming down somewhat. We have a completely free weekend ahead of us where I plan to do nothing other than vegetate, and I’m hoping that by the time next Monday rolls around I shall be somewhat more myself again…It is double Payroll though and my team buddy is off, so maybe we should just hold our breath on that front.